I must say, It was nice. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. As I watched Godzilla & his rivals demolish cities while distraught parents fought to get their children to safety, I immediately directed my thoughts toward my children. I wondered what I would do in that situation. Jim grabbed my clammy hand tightly. I looked at him in the dark & found his eyes staring back into mine. He gave me a loving smile and brushed my arm with his other free hand reassuringly, as if he knew exactly what was going through my head in that moment. I'm sure he did. He knows me all too well.
I drifted back into the movie and spent the duration in the comfort of the new love pretzel hold. (The position in which you're so infatuated with the other that you find ways for every feasible part of you is intertwined with every part of them.) I had forgotten how nice it is. The spice of life.
The second movie we watched was Neighbors. If you haven't seen it yet, let's just say it's one of the last movies that should ever make you cry. I spent much of the time laughing. It was that obnoxious laugh that stems from the core, that makes you want to be the last to leave he show to ensure that none of the other audience members see your face on the way out. It was quite lovely.
Toward the end, the movie redirects a bit and begins to focus on the main couple's feelings for their new family. Much like me, they had decided that staying home with their daughter was the most fulfilling aspect of their lives. I checked to make sure Jim wasn't looking so that I could finally blink and let the single tear that was absorbing my mascara & burning a bit fall down my cheek. I absolutely did not want someone to see me crying over two stoned parents lying in the bed eating pizza and talking about their child.
Once again, I missed my children.
On way home, I told Jim that I was famished and that it was essential to my health that I get some sustenance. I might faint if I didn't get something. I really just dreaded returning to the empty nest. He had to be in at work in 5 hours, and I knew he would pass out shortly after we arrived, so I added the touch of drama to help convince him that we should go. To my surprise, he cheerfully agreed. I silently thanked God for Jim's hearty appetite. He had eaten before we left, unlike me.
We decided on McDonald's due to the fact that it was the only restaurant open after midnight. When our food arrived, we took our usual seats without even thinking, but soon realized that we had picked this particular table due to the fact that it is our daughter's favorite. She likes to play the games on the little system that they installed for children. Immediately, my thought train took me back to my children and that ugly, emptiness began to drain me like a battery. Jim gave me the omnipotent look that only your soul mate can give, and challenged me to a game of Brain Quest. We chose the highest level, 7th grade, for obvious reasons. I actually missed one, embarrassingly enough. It was a special moment. Sitting there giggling and arguing over the answers put me in a child like state of joy. My heart felt full once again.
I had an unexpected epitome on the way home. I called my big sister to check on the kids, and my daughter answered. I asked her what she was doing, and she informed me that she was lying in bed playing Mine Craft on the iPad because she couldn't sleep. Her reason for this lack of sleep, I found out, was missing her Mommy and Daddy. I asked her hopefully if she wanted me to come get her right away. What I heard next shocked me.
"No Mommy, if I am ever going to be dependent, (independent), I have to learn to be brave and strong, and do things on my own."
There are just some things that you expect to teach your children that you never realize you might learn from them. I have the type of empty soul that requires constant companionship. I have always had that one person around, whether it be a best friend, boyfriend, or now, my children, as a security blanket. Feeling loved is my pacifier. I am not sure if I am alone in this or not. With as many people as there are in the world, I doubt that I am.
Part of the human experience is finding your inner voice and strength. You must learn to stand alone because there may not always be someone there to hold your hand through the things that you must face on your life journey. Well, not a physical being, but there will always be God.
I am a Christian, and I love my Heavenly Father to my core. The thing is, apparently I don't always trust Him. God will always be there to protect our children when I am not there. God is the piece that is missing in my soul. Starting today, I am going to take a leap of faith. I had a talk with Him, and I apologized for forgetting His awesome power.
This does not necessarily entail me going out more, or never be afraid, but it's something that I need to do on my road to spiritual fulfillment. In doing so, I will teach my children to do the same. If there is one thing that I want my children to remember me for, it is my relationship with the Lord, especially since they're not likely to learn it any place else in today's society. It won't happen over night, but I will learn to stand tall & strong in my faith, as God has intended for all of us.
After all, if I am ever going to be independent, I have to learn to be brave and strong, and do things on my own.
